Sleep
by KaySnap55
Summary: Pike just knew that having kids on board, two kids at that, would be a terrible idea kid!kirk kid!spock could be seen as pre-slash but its just two kids being really cute okay they cuddle like seriously it's fluff *update ch2 with conclusion, now cute slash when they're adults*
1. Chapter 1

Pike could safely say having a human child and a Vulcan child on board was a bit of a challenge. He'd been hesitant (very, very hesitant) about it in the first place. Kids on the enterprise? Didn't Starfleet know having children on board was not only a huge responsibility but could potentially be very dangerous?

But somehow he'd been roped into having custody of James Kirk (how that happened he honestly had no clue, he'd been just as off guard as everyone else) and looking down at the small blonde boy who looked far to broken and lost, he knew he couldn't abandon him. So he'd come to terms with the fact that Jim would grow up on the ship.

What really set him off, was that Serek, the ambassador for the Vulcans, seemed to think it would be a good idea to not only have his child continue his studies, but to also study how the Enterprise worked and how the crew interacted.

Why Starfleet approved it, god only knew.

"This isn't a nursery!" he protested. "How am I supposed to keep track of a Vulcan child I can barely keep track of my own!"

They responded by very calmly stating that Spock could entertain himself (study or whatever) and they only wanted him on the ship because they believed it would be beneficial.

Spock just happened to be the guniea pig in this situation.

Introducing the two proved to be a challenge, because at the age of 6, Jim didn't quite understand the meaning of personal space. Even though Pike had drilled into him_ he didn't know how many times_ that hugging was defiantly _not aloud_, as soon as the young Vulcan was introduced James bounded forward with barely contained glee and threw his tiny arms around the 7 year olds neck.

Stepping back in confusion when the other boy went completely rigid in his arms, Kirk tilted his head slightly, his shoulders falling at the odd stiffness the other child held himself with. Regaining confidence, he rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet. "Do you wanna come play?"

Peering down in distain, Spock sniffed. "Playing is illogical." Looking puzzled (why would any kid not want to play?) Jim rolled his eyes and reached for the other boy's hand, intending to drag him along regardless but was shocked when the Vulcan jerked back violently.

Open mouthed, Jim glanced up at Pike in confusion only to be on the receiving end of an amused chuckle. "Why won' he play?" Before Pike could even try to answer, Spock responded in his detached, indifferent tone. "Must I repeat myself? I have already informed you that playing is illogical and therefore I shall not take part in it." On that note, he turned on his heel and strode in the opposite direction towards his quarters. Staring after him with a bemused look on his face, Kirk shook himself slightly and pushed down the feeling of shock and hurt that came with being rejected.

Some people might call it being annoying, Jim called it being persistent.

Within the first week of Spock being on board, the crew members were already tagging them together, it was no long _just_ kirk or _just_ Spock it was _kirk&spock_, and it wasn't as if the Vulcan had a choice in the matter, Jim just refused to leave him alone.

They developed a pattern. In the morning Spock would do his studies and occasionally Jim would show up for a while, rattle off a few of the formulas he had picked up along the way before vanishing to the engine room for a while. For a 6 year old human, he was nearly as intelligent as Spock (his speech was a bit more garbled but what child actually spoke clearly?) But he preferred to roam the halls of the Enterprise rather then sit down and stare at a screen all day.

An activity he more often then not roped Spock into.

The other boy resisted at first, claiming it was illogical and silly, but at heart Spock was but a child (a half-human child at that) and soon his curiously won over, _along with the want for a friend because he'd never really had one before and Jim really actually seemed to care_.

"So wha's the who' thing with not be'in able to touch people?" drumming his fingers along the top of his stomach, Kirk peered at Spock from where he was perched on a ledge, his entire word turned on a top as he let his head flop down. "Vulcan's are touch telepathic." Undeterred by the stilted speech, Jim flipped over onto his stomach. "Yeah and what's that?"

"It means when we touch other people we can read or feel their thoughts and emotions."

Pondering this for a second, Jim slid down from his perch and sidled up close to Spock (as close as he could get without the other inching away) "So basically you read minds?" Repressing an annoyed sigh, Spock smirked. "In the crudest way of stating it, I supposed it could be considered mind reading."

"Could you read my mind?" There was a certain weight to that statement that Kirk tried to brush off because there was no way he was explaining himself to this Vulcan it had been a _joke_ but by the way Spock tensed up he knew he'd hit a nerve.

"I do not believe it would be wise-"

"But could you." Taking in the disheveled boy in front of him, Spock tilted his head slightly before nodding, not prepared for Jim to launch himself through the air and latch onto his hand.

_There was pain too much pain for a child he'd been left, beaten, lied to in every sense of the word and it was all so bright so fresh the loss of his mother the mother that wasn't ever there not really he'd been passed off to anyone and everyone who would take him but no one ever really __**wanted**__ him and he didn't understand why, why wasn't he good enough for anyone. But his mind was the galaxy, endless and beautiful adorned with glistening stars like rain that threatened to fall, to put out the dimmed lights hung from shattering chandeliers and so much darkness hidden away in the crevices, shrouded by innocence and purity that had yet to be broken, oceans roiled and turned, boiling water burning paths along the shore, the shore of the consciousness the shore of the mind, the stars hummed but Spock knew he wasn't supposed to be here-_

Gasping he wrenched his hand away, stumbling backwards to catch himself against the wall. "Y-you, y-you can't-" _The small boy in front of him couldn't imagine what it was like to have emotion forced on you it was brutal and savage and it__** hurt**_

"Spock?" Jim felt very, very small. He hadn't meant to hurt his friend; he'd thought it was funny. I mean mind reading, that's cool right? But he didn't know the link went both ways, he didn't know he would understand how alone Spock felt, the first and last of his kind how utterly _drained_ he was from trying so hard to keep up with his peers and please his parents.

The only thing he knew to do was hug him, because he knew hugs could make people feel better.

But he couldn't hug him because he was_ too scared_ that Spock might run, he was afraid that Spock would leave him like everyone else had and he didn't think he could bare that. It wasn't even that they were friends, but Jim found himself looking up to the older boy (not that he would admit it) he _wanted_ Spock to like him he _wanted_ to be around him.

Letting out a slur of apologies Kirk turned to run away, run away from the wall he had erected, run away from the blankness in Spock's eyes, run away from something else he'd ruined.

He waited for Spock to call him back.

He waited for him to accept the apologies.

He would laugh and smile and Spock would do that crinkly thing with his eyes that meant he was happy even though having emotion was illogical.

Jim would drag him around the ship like usual, wrecking mayhem and making Pike rue the day he'd adopted him.

But Spock didn't call him back.

So he kept running.

The following days were haunted with eerie silence, Jim locked himself in his room and Spock focused solely on his studies. Upon investigating, Pike found the small blonde piddling with figurines of space ships, his blue eyes vacant. "Come on Jim, time for dinner."

That's when he knew something was wrong. Jim hadn't let Pike pick him up since he'd met him, but tonight he lifted his arms in resignation. The cold in his gut didn't fade even when they got to the mess hall. Jim had curled himself up in Pike's arms, small fingers pulling at the fabric of his uniform. "James you need to eat."

"Not hungry." Clenching his teeth, Pike was reminded of the moody child he'd been instructed to care for a year ago. Dark, brooding, flinching away from physical contact and refusing to eat. In a last ditch attempt to maybe distract Jim long enough so he could get him to eat, Pike brought up the only thing that had seemed to make Jim excited the past few days. "I haven't seen you with Spock in a while, do you want to go see him after dinner?"

Jim stormed out of the mess hall without a backwards glance.

It was cold in Spock's room. He knew he could just get up and adjust the heating but he also knew that the chill in his bones had nothing to do with the temperature.

He was lonely.

Being alone wasn't a new concept for him. He'd had no friends on Vulcan, but then Jim came along and suddenly he didn't know how to survive without the boy's constant chatter and advice. (Which was illogical he shouldn't _need_ anything like that to feel content)

A hesitant knocking rang through out his room and Spock shot up. Who would actually be _knocking_ instead of just ringing knocking was such a traditional-oh.

For a moment, one cruel heartless moment, he thought about leaving Jim standing in front of his door. But the moment passed and he slid off his bed, padding softly towards the fidgeting boy on the other side.

Now that they were standing face to face, Jim had no clue what to say. He thought about rambling on about how he was sorry but that didn't seem to be _good_ enough. "Spock listen I-" glancing down at his feet, he huffed angrily. Apologizing was hard.

Spock could tell by the conflicted expression on his friend's face that all he wanted to do was bound forward and hug him, because that's how Jim solved things. He was a physical person, he liked to be surrounded by people who would shower him with attention_ and after seeing inside his head Spock had more then one reason why he thought Jim was like that_

Stepping aside Spock waved Kirk into his room; meeting the boy's surprised eyes with the cool façade he wore to mask the turmoil inside him. The human part of him really _really_ wanted to feel that whirlwind of emotion, but the Vulcan beat it down, insisting it was childish and frivolous.

All at once Jim was sputtering out apologies (again)

But it was late and they were children and soon they wordlessly forgave and conversations ventured into other things, and when Jim started yawning Spock gestured to the couch, green tingeing his cheeks at Jim's cheery grin.

Just before the lights dimmed, Kirk glanced over where he could see Spock in his bed, about to close his eyes. "Thanks for forgiving me." He whispered shyly, bright blue eyes drooping with exhaustion. Spock merely nodded.

_He didn't understand where was he why wasn't he on the ship flashes of black and green bombarded him, choking him, why couldn't he see why couldn't he breathe were those fingers around his throat he couldn't get out what was__** happening to him-**_

Eyes snapping open, Jim found himself shaking, his small arms slick with sweat from his lingering nightmare. Mind still heavy with sleep, he glanced around blearily_, where am I?_ He could barely make out the silhouette of a sleeping person across the room, and somewhere in the back of his brain he registered them as someone he could trust.

Tripping over his feet, Kirk stumbled towards the bed, not quite asleep and not quite awake, only aware that for some reason he was _freezing_ and if there was someone available to cuddle he wouldn't hesitate to curl up next to them. See James Tiberius Kirk craved attentions he craved solace that only touch could provide and he'd been robbed of loving contact the first 5 years of his life so in his mind, he had some catching up to do.

He shamelessly clung to every person he met, and in the dim lighting of the unfamiliar room, he needed someone to hold him he needed to feel like he mattered_ because to his mom and Frank he never felt like he mattered, especially when the belt caught him on the side of the face and his step-father's knuckles would tighten around his arm_

Slipping between the sheets he glanced over bleary-eyed to the figure beside him._ Oh- oh that's who it is_. Smiling softly, the blonde leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to the Vulcan's forehead, not aware that he'd woken the older boy, not aware that said boy was now studying him in confusion, not understanding the tenderness behind his actions, not understanding the wave of emotions that came with it. All Jim did was turn on his side and let out a little puff of air as he slipped back into a slumber. He pressed himself against Spock's chest and at contact Spock tensed, expecting an onslaught of things he couldn't control but all it did was make him feel sleepy and warm and like he was at _home_

_Spock…friend…family…together..stay..comfort…love…_

He was still confused but the middle of the night is never a time for solving problems, so instead Spock found himself curling around Jim, pressing his face between his shoulder blades, blonde hair tickling the end of his nose lightly. At some point his arm snakes around the boy, their legs entangled and when they're discovered in the morning, it's all Pike can do not to laugh and wake them.

_Inside the galaxy they twist and turn, bathed in the glow of the stars that sing just for them, an angelic tune so sweet it lulls them into a state of serenity, they're flying through the clouds and the wind dusts their cheeks swirling pink and green stuck in a ruthless embrace_

_Sometimes black stallions thunder through their dreams bringing nothing but grey afternoons filled to the brim with lost and forgotten promises, the sting of a slap across the face turning backs and eyes that shy away from something different something unknown_

_The sun breaks over the horizon even though its shrouded by hazy clouds, drops that fall along the riverbanks in floods and wash away the hurt, wash away the agony they felt when they were alone._

_Because they're not alone_

_Not anymore_


	2. Chapter 2

Pounding his fist to the ground he lifted his head towards the sky. The wail that escaped his mouth bordered on animalistic and he didn't care about the rain pelting his face, didn't care about the blood running over his hands mixing with dirt so black he felt like it would swallow him whole. His breath came in ragged gulps, tearing out of his throat and _god he couldn't even move_

The man spread out on his back in front of him stared at nothing, eyes glassy. The red running from his side drenched his shredded shirt and he grew paler with each passing second, his clammy fingers freezing in the midst of the downpour and all Kirk could think as they were beamed up was that it was_ too late it was far too late._

"Jim-"

"Not now Pike, please not right now. Just let me get piss drunk and stumble back onto the Enterprise and sleep off my hangover please don't try and make me feel better about loosing my first officer, about loosing my _best friend._" Gripping Kirk's shoulder, Pike shook his head. "I'm not going to tell you it gets better. But you know what Starfleet has done." Horrified eyes met sorrowful ones and Jim had to resist the urge to smash his glass into the bar. "They've already reassigned someone to take James's place I'm sorry Jim I'm so sorry-"

Carding his fingers through his hair, he let out a muffled sob. "They can't just replace him like that we need _time_. Besides don't I just assign my own First Officer? They can't _give_ me one that isn't allowed!"

"I wish that was the case, they think your crew is too emotionally compromised and they need people out there because space is a mess right now. They think adding someone new to the equation might fix it I told them it wouldn't but they don't listen to me." Pike spat out, draining his glass and motioning for another.

He couldn't just force another First Officer on the crew, he couldn't. Uhura was a mess (against all Starfleet regulation they'd had a relationship because Kirk couldn't really give a damn if two members of his crew loved each other) Sulu and Chekov hadn't been sleeping and Bones had nearly drunk himself into oblivion. Scotty hadn't left engineering in days and Jim was pretty sure he hadn't slept. He'd tried to see everyone in the ship yesterday, tried to talk to them and comfort them but it was hard because he would turn to his right and expect James to be there and he wasn't, not anymore.

And of course there were the nightmares, waking up in cold sweat because he swore he could see blood running down the walls and hear screams in the dark. So he didn't sleep. He stayed awake running purely on caffeine to get through mountains of paperwork.

Sometimes he just looked at the stars.

"They're transferring him tomorrow." Burrowing into his hands Kirk groaned. "Do you at least know who it is." Pike's silence was all the answer he needed, so throwing the drink back one more time, Jim threw some money out on the table before stretching his arms above his head, hearing the joints in his back pop all the way up his spine. "I'll see you later Pike." Said Admiral chose not to comment on the circles under his eyes and the slouching drag in his step. He knew it would get easier, it always did in time, but he hated seeing the boy he thought of as a son with dulled eyes and ashy skin._ Just breath Jimmy, if you keep breathing you'll get through this_.

Clapping his hands together to get everyone attention, Jim smiled wanly at the people who turned to face him. He figured the Alpha Shift should find out first, so here he was, telling people exactly what they didn't want to hear. "So you know Starfleet is running low on ships lately, and there's more and more that needs to be done out in space." Lacing his fingers together, he leaned back and forth on his heels. "They've assigned us a new First Officer."

In an instant the Bridge was alight with angry voices.

"Don't _you_ assign not them-"

"We wont even know them-"

"It's only been a week-"

"They can't do this-"

Holding his hand up to stop them he rubbed his eyes. He was exhausted. He hated this so much. "Guys I like this about as much as you do but I cant do anything. We're already on the radar because I'm the youngest Captain, you guys are the youngest crew, and they want an excuse to split us up and I _can't let that happen._ The new guy is coming today so please be nice-"

As if on cue the doors whooshed open, revealing a tall, strait-backed _Vulcan_ with a perfectly pressed shirt and smooth hair and more then anything Jim wished James was back, James with his easy laugh and always-wrong clothes.

Peering around, Jim's new First Officer inclined his head slightly, stepping fully onto the bridge. "Hello. I believe I have been assigned as your new First Officer I-"

"Holy_ shit!_" Kirk swore in excitement, brushing off the curious looks from the crew and the slightly offended look of the Vulcan in the blue shirt. "You're _Spock_ oh my god please tell me you remember me? Come on we ran around this ship for like 2 years you have to." For a few seconds Kirk forgot about _why_ Spock was there all he knew was that his old friend was here.

"I do believe we have met before, and as you put it " ran around this ship". We have not however, been in contact in 17 years, and I was not aware you would remember me."

Quirking his mouth up in a half smile, Jim thought about hugging him or clapping on the shoulder but remembering what happened last time he did that he nixed that idea. "Well, guys this is Spock, new First Officer. I know James-" once again his words caught in his throat but the soft smiles in the room let him know he got the point across. "Anyway, we're off to some new planet that we've just come in contact with, Starfleet wants us to do the diplomatic stuff. Kind of a trial run ya know."

Making his way over to the chair, he nodded at Spock. "Try and introduce yourself to everyone, get to know them and what they do. It will make running this ship easier."

"Alright Sulu, punch it."

Hahaawkwardlinebreak

"I miss James." Swinging his feet back and forth Jim ignored Bones when he tried to get him off the biobed. "I mean Spock's great, he's efficient and always on time and he know how to run this ship but I'm afraid he wont get along with people. They're so used to J- they're so used to a First Officer with a carefree attitude and I don't know I just want this ship to run smoothly we still have a couple weeks until we get to that new planet, even at warp, and I-"

Slapping a hand over his friend's mouth, Bones raised an eyebrow at him. "You're rambling. Shut up. People like the hobgoblin. Think he's a bit stiff but he's fine. And if they don't like him they'll get used to him. Now get out of the sick bay there are actually people here I need to _treat_." He mumbled gruffly, pushing Jim roughly off the bed. "Come on get out." Shooting Bones one last grin, Jim wandered out.

Doing his routine checks on engineering and the labs he was a bit surprised to find Spock in the biolab. He knew they were off shift but he never suspected the Vulcan liked science. He could see the ensigns there had already taken a shine to him, so he just watched from the door for a while before heading back to his quarters.

"Lights, 10 percent." He knew he should sleep. He had a few hours and he hadn't gotten a lot of rest the past few days._ Actually I don't think I've actually slept in a week. Huh._

Forcing his eyes closed, they immediately snapped back open at the images playing behind his lids. "_Damn it_" Was it always going to be like this? Was he always going to be reminded that he was too slow, that he couldn't save his friend? If he hadn't been hung up by the Ramions, if only he'd gotten away _a few moment earlier_ he could have stopped it. _Stop thinking about it. Count sheep or something._

It was hard to count sheep when they all had dirt-black eyes and blood dripping from their wool.

Lookatthislinebreak

"Captain have you been sleeping? I have noted that 5 days out of the week you stay here late and you are here before everyone else. I feel this may impact that way you work and I suggest taking a shift off so you can rest before we get to Tasni." Pressing his hand to his forehead, Kirk took a deep breath. "Thank you for your concern Spock, but I am fine."

"Captain-"

"Commander! I'm telling you I am fine so please don't argue with me. I've had a shit ton of paperwork lately seeing my First Officer was killed last week and I-" running his fingers through his already messy hair Jim groaned. "Just don't tell me to sleep ok? I can do just fine running on caffeine."

"Actually sir running on purely caffeine can damage your-"

"_Spock_" Nodding respectfully, the Vulcan returned to his station and Jim got up because he just couldn't sit still anymore. "So Uhura how are we coming." They both knew the weight behind this statement and it was a testimony to her strength that she didn't burst into tears. (Not that she ever would on the bridge she was far too strong for that) "I'm surviving sir." _Just barely_. "Try and get some more sleep okay commander." Glancing at him sharply, she opened her mouth to rebuke him angrily but he held his hand up. "I'm serious we need to be in tip top shape."

"The same could be said for you _Captain_"

Winking cheerfully, he smirked at her. "I'm always in tip top shape." Coughing uncomftorbly under her skeptical (_and god damn was that pity) _gaze, he slipped over to Chekov. "So what do you have for me Pavel?" he let the Russian babble wash over him in waves, effectively distracting him from feeling anything in particular.

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"Sir? Captain?" blinking rapidly, Kirk tilted his head back to see who was talking to him and started in shock. He let the PADD slide out of his hands and he stood shakily from where he'd fallen asleep in the hallway. "James?" The First Commander stepped backwards, a look of unease falling over his face. "Captain I-"

But Kirk had already surged forward and wrapped himself around the man, blubbering inconsistently about _god how much he missed him and he was so sorry so sorry_ and Jim just clung to him, swearing he wouldn't let go. "Captain?" Pulling back, maybe to take in the fact that _James wasn't dead_ he jolted when he saw he was in fact, hugging Spock. Not James, but Spock. "I believe that you seem to be suffering hallucinations, which usually occur after being consistently for more then 72 hours." His First Officer commented softly, disentangling himself from a very flustered Jim. "Shit Spock I'm sorry I know about the touch telepathy thing." If Vulcans could look unsettled, that was the only thing that could possibly describe the look on Spock's face. "You really need to sleep Captain." His First Officer noted lightly, his eyes dark unreadable.

"Don't you get it? I _cant_ sleep, not without the nightmares hitting me from every direction, bombarding me with images of people I care about _dying_, making me watch James die over and over, because I'm _always_ too late I cant never get there fast enough I can never _stop_ it, so no I cant sleep and no I wont sleep! Nothing could possibly make me _want _to lay in my room and-"

"I could help." Spock jutted in, twisting his hands behind his back. "I could try and meld with you, perhaps keep the nightmares at bay for time being." Mouth dropping open, Jim fixed the Vulcan with and incredulous look, shifting back and forth nervously. "I wouldn't want to, I mean impose-"

"You would not be imposing." Spock stated softly. Flustered and red, Jim just dropped his eyes to the ground. "My room or yours?" trying not to choke on how _suggestive_ that sounded, Kirk shrugged. "Yours I guess."

So that's how they found themselves perched awkwardly on Spock's, bed, Jim fiddling with his shirt looking at anything but the obviously uncomftorble man next to him. "I am going to attempt a mind meld now, please do not be alarmed."

Refusing to flinch as the long, spindly fingers pressed against his cheek, Jim felt his eyes roll back when a wave of pure contentment washed over him.

_Then he was asleep but not really because he was diving through his mind, soaring past stars that blazed a million different colors against the dark sky. He was cold and hot all at once but it was so brilliantly __**amazing**__ that it didn't faze him, it didn't even startle him when he felt someone else nudge him (could you nudge people with your mind?) almost as if they were snuggling against him, trying to encompassed him as a whole. __**Who's there?**_

_Loneliness found him as they pulled back suddenly, and they wave of nightmares rushed back in, plaguing him with things he couldn't control, feelings he couldn't stop, and then the force was back, stroking and soothing against his angry wounds, raw and burning with the guilt of death._

'_Do not worry' it whispered, 'you need not be guilty, the fault is not yours.'_

_He didn't want this person to see him at his lowest, didn't want to see him screaming at the sky because that was low, he'd been low and broken and no one needed to see him like that. _

_Tendrils of green snaked around him, pulling him from old memories into empty space, waiting to be filled with laughter and love. "Do not worry Jim, do not worry"_

Lowering the two of them onto his bed, Spock did his best to situate them so his Captain could be comftorble, carefully wrapping his arm around the younger man, pulling him up onto his chest. Tracing the outline of Jim's jaw and cheek with his fingers, Spock slipped the hand around Kirk's waist under his shirt, absently rubbing circles on his hip, and was rewarded with a shudder of delight through the bond. _Sleep Jim, you are safe_

Slipping into a state of dreamland, Spock let his arms tighten around Jim, who shifted slightly so one hand tangled in the Vulcan's hair and the other clung tightly to his shirt. Cheek pressed to the other's chest, Kirk practically _purred_ when somehow Spock found his hair and carded his fingers through it, pulling him up so he could rest his chin on Jim's head, fingers fluttering over the blonde's neck to keep him asleep, the simple motion sending shocks up his fingers.

Long after they had any control over their actions, Spock simply curled around the Captain, long arms trapping him in the small, safe cocoon of the First officer. Their legs tangled together, making it hard to see the end of one and the beginning of the other, both completely caught up in the feel of their skin together and the way their minds brushed together, completely perfect and irresistible.


End file.
